Tag Archives: attachment parenting

Finding My Parenting Niche ~ part two

The internet became central to my growth as a parent. I am most comfortable interacting with people via the printed word. When I was young my family moved a few times and I always had pen pals. That experience led naturally to my involvement in message boards. As soon as I discovered message boards I was inspired to start my own board for Stay at Home Moms. Discussing mothering with women online became my social outlet.

Following the birth of my second child, four years after my first, it soon became apparent to me that I needed to spend time with other like-minded moms. In real life. My insecurity has hindered my ability to socialize throughout my life. However, I mustered up my courage and attended my first La Leche League meeting. Going to the meeting was like stepping into a warm bath. So comfortable, relaxing, and enjoyable. I had found my “peeps.”

Not everyone will feel comfortable hanging out with “granola” types. Not all mothers who are involved with LLL are of the crunchy variety. But all are breastfeeding moms. As a wise woman wrote, a breastfeeding mom is a breastfeeding mom. Aside from that, our parenting styles may be vastly different. To be a breastfeeding mom, there is no other requirement than having breasts that lactate and a child to latch onto them.

So there you have it. I am a crunchy, gentle, sleep sharing mom. I am one of “those women” who breastfeeds her children well beyond infancy. It is what I am comfortable with. It has worked well for my children. They are confident, healthy, bright individuals. The had years of cuddling and snuggling with me, both day and night.

Have the fathers of my children been onboard? Not always.

With my first three children, I argued frequently with their father about my parenting choices. I believe he was jealous of the attention I gave our children. He didn’t understand why I couldn’t let them cry. He would be angry when I put their needs before his. He did not like sleep sharing. He did not like co-sleeping. I insisted despite his protests.

Thankfully, my current husband is different. He does not like it when our daughter fusses, allowing her to cry is out of the question. He had not shared sleep with an infant in the past. He had reservations at first, but after our daughter was born he found that he felt better with her safely tucked into our bed beside me. It may turn out that he becomes uncomfortable with extended breastfeeding. If that hurdle appears, we will jump it.

Nearly 14 years elapsed between the birth of my first child and my fourth. Yes, my parenting style has changed a bit over the years. Mostly due to age. I simply do not have the stamina to carry my daughter in a sling all day. I was able to do that with two of her older siblings. I am over 40 and it has made a difference. I also no longer use cloth diapers, which I did with my first three children. One thing that has not changed is my philosophy of mothering.

I am an attachment parenting mom. Always have been. Always will be.

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Finding My Parenting Niche ~ part one

I am an attachment parenting mom. Always have been, always will be. I first stumbled upon the idea of attachment during my English 101 class when I had to choose a topic for a research paper. I don’t know how I found Attachment Behavior in Infants. This was back in the late 80s when the internet was in its infancy and I’m not sure if Windows existed. I consulted the enormous wooden cabinets with file drawers which contained thousands upon thousands of index cards. Research took forever!

Armed with my knowledge that baby monkeys thrive with a flesh mommy and fail to thrive with a robot mommy I made a vow to not give my future babies over to the robots.

No, not really. I did however go to a “bohemian” type college, volunteered at the domestic violence shelter and chose working with the children of abused women as my specialty area. I was introduced to baby slings during our play therapy group. There was a seasoned mom volunteering and she brought an extra sling in case there were any babies. When we were asked if we wanted to use it and carry a little baby, the other young volunteers looked at her like she had two heads. Not me! I thought the sling was the most amazing thing!

A few years later, I was thrilled to see baby slings at our local food co-op along with the reusable flannel pads. When my mom was shopping for a baby gift, I told her that she had to buy a sling for the mom. We picked out a lovely black Guatemalan style fabric. I thought it looked chic. The mom wasn’t sold. However, when I babysat her daughter I used it all the time!

When I was expecting my firstborn in 1996, the internet was a bit beyond its infancy. I searched online for baby slings. I was so thrilled about having one for my baby. It would be blissful. We would snuggle all day, breastfeed, my arthritis wouldn’t bother me …  dreams die hard.

While my dreams didn’t pan out exactly as I had hoped, I was committed to attachment parenting (AP) and gentle discipline. I checked out all the books by Dr. Sears from my local library. I reread them, twice.

I had long been a subscriber to the Utne Reader. I visited their website and the early version of a message board. I posted in heated discussions about parenting. One that I remember fondly was about rushing our children towards independence. I don’t remember if I started the topic, but I sure relished the discussion.

 

part two will explore the addition of children through birth and remarriage


Challenge #2 Differing gender role expectations

I have been avoiding this topic for awhile. Even though it is one of the first things I thought of when pondering intercultural challenges in marriage, I really have not wanted to tackle it. Why? This issue is at the heart of all the conflicts or arguments in my relationship with my husband. It is intensely personal. I am taking the plunge now because I believe it is important to share, for those who are interested in such things.

Gender role expectations …  my background taught me that men and women should share the burden of household chores in some equitable manner. As an adult I have been a slacker with regard to household chores, in part because my ex was as well. I am a clutter-bug. I am not all that conscious of things — if something is out of place, I don’t notice it. I also don’t believe that it is my job to pick up after everyone in my household. This is regardless of whether or not I work outside the home.

My husband would beg to differ. He firmly believes that women need to cook, clean, serve, care for the children, and work. To him, a man’s responsibility is to earn money at a job (or two) and relax at home. He gets very bent out of shape if food is not served to him. He believes that moms who don’t work outside of the house should have immaculate homes because all they have to do take care of kids, clean and cook. Apparently, in his cultural background, the women do all of these things. They clean constantly, cook every meal of the day and give the children all of the attention they require.

But something must be falling through the cracks. I just don’t believe that it is possible to do all of those things to his high standards. My cultural background says that it just is not possible! Not only that, but I don’t believe that it is right.

Don’t get me wrong, I do like a clean and orderly home. Parts of my home can be that way, for a brief period of time. But I choose to pursue other interests and to spend a lot of time with my children. For instance, our infant daughter will not sleep by herself. That means that when she naps — as she is now — she does so on my lap. She is still primarily breastfed, which means that whenever she eats I sit with her to feed her. No handing her a bottle and getting busy with housework for me!

My attachment parenting style does get in the way of meeting the gender role expectations of my husband. We talk about it nearly every day. Sometimes he seems to accept  that caring for our baby really does take up most of my day. Other times he insists that the computer is the problem. Well, we were without internet at home for two days. The only additional thing I did was vacuuming. I did that while wearing our daughter in a carrier.

I keep hoping he will relent and allow me to be the slacker that I am accustomed to being. Whether this is truly a cultural issue, or merely his personal preference …  I am not sure. It is probably a bit of both. I am doing my best to compromise and improve my homemaking skills, but it is a hard road. I will continue to walk it.


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