At Long Last …

a breakthrough with my kids

This past weekend was amazing. My children came to visit and the most incredible turn of events unfolded.

When we met our kids in the parking lot my oldest son was visibly upset. It looked like he had been crying. I immediately asked him what was wrong. He fought back tears while saying that he would tell me later. We all got into the van with him in the front passenger seat and he immediately burst into tears. I could only imagine that this must have something to do with his father harassing him about his conversion to Judaism. He didn’t tell me right away, but that was part of it.

This is not the good part of my story. It turned out that their father had raged at them during their 30 minute drive to our exchange point. He did his usual song and dance: my wife does nothing, my kids do nothing, I didn’t watch tv as a kid, I rode my bike everywhere, blah, blah, blah. He growled and yelled, accused and ridiculed. This was the very reason why I left with the kids 5 years ago. My son was on the verge of tears, my daughter did cry. Remarkably, my youngest son said it didn’t bother him. My two oldest have those memories of being emotionally and verbally abused. Their father’s unleashed anger triggered their emotional memories. My youngest son was only 2.5 years old when we left. He didn’t retain the emotional memory.

After arriving home, when my son spilled all of this ugliness he confessed as well. He told me that his sister had mentioned something about my husband and a belt, that he had countered with, “that didn’t happen!” only to have his father turn on him. My son cried. I told him that I forgive him and that I understand. It was an incredible, tearful moment.

I soon went to check on my 10 year old daughter. She was moody and angry about not being allowed to play video games. I turned her towards me and hugged her. I told her I love her and I miss her. I apologized for anything I had done to hurt her, told her that it hurt me to see her so sad. It took awhile for her to raise her arms to embrace me, but when she did she collapsed into me, sobbing. She told me that everything was a mess, that there was too much fighting and she just wanted it to stop. We stood for a good 10 minutes in the kitchen, holding each other and talking.

She finally dropped her facade. We finally connected on a deep level.

The sad thing in all of this is that the events we had predicted would occur happened faster than we had thought. My ex is emotionally and verbally abusing my children again. They are living in fear, walking on eggshells. Their stepmom has distanced herself from them. She is not involved in their lives. They are not happy. They are barely getting through each day.

I am sending an email to the guardian ad litem in our case. She needs to know what her lack of concern has done to my children. For her they were a paycheck. For me, they are my heart and my life.


9 responses to “At Long Last …

  • Heather

    Oh sweetie. I hope it leads to some healing and answered prayers.

  • Jeri

    Oh, wow, this is huge! I feel like crying! Huge hugs to you!! I’m praying!

    • familiesinablender

      Thank you ladies 🙂 I am so relieved for my relationship with them, but so heartbroken that they are back in the life of misery that we escaped from. I gave them explicit instructions about calling 911 if their dad gets dangerous. I can only pray that they won’t need to.

  • Janell

    I hope you have some grounds to help them. You must have to be so strong to get through this. *hugs*

    • familiesinablender

      Sadly, I can do nothing. Our case finally got the official stamp just a couple of months ago. My ex used his wife’s money for a sleazy attorney, the GAL was in his pocket. I was depicted as an abusive, alcoholic, irresponsible flake who ignored her children and let her partner beat them. The extent of the lies was insane — and the GAL bought them all. 😦

      Thanks for the cyber hugs, sis.

  • Joyce

    I’m so sorry the kids have had to go through this. I don’t know what brings a father to the point where he does things like this to his kids. I hope and pray that you get the kids back to live with you because I know you are a great Mom and they will get the love and support they need from you. Luv.

    • familiesinablender

      It makes me so sad and angry that my children have been used as pawns by their father. Unfortunately, it is very common for abusive men and women to use the kids like this especially when the custodial parent has a new relationship or remarries. At least my relationship with them has been consistently improving. They know that I love them and value them.

  • Joyce Wicks

    I don’t know that this will help, but “This too shall pass.” The children will mature and get married, have kids and maybe get divorced themselves. Until then, they probably won’t understand us. When they finally see the light and go through similar experiences like us, they understand so much more.

    As far as spouses go (and some are different of course) We’ll be happier on the long run if we go with the flow. We can’t change them. They won’t change unless it is their idea. I read something about marriage and when I did, originally I thought, why would a wife do this? She’d just become a doormat. But I decided to try it. The advice said “Always agree with your spouse.” Well, I tried it. I don’t say I do it all the time because that would be impossible for me, so I chose my battles and restrict them to really important things. But I found that since I try to do that more often, my husband seems to have more respect for me and sometimes he turns the tables on me and actually agrees with me on more things than usual or does things I want when I never expected him to. It makes for a more peaceful home. Not perfect, but better.

    Lots of love,


  • Joyce Wicks

    I meant to say I try to agree and not argue so much. Arguing never helps me at all.

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